Contribute via anonymous Google Form here.
How did roommate abuse/harassment affect you emotionally?
“My self-esteem plummeted after the gaslighting. I decided I must be a horrible person and that I deserved to suffer.” ~ Anonymous College Student
“My self-esteem dramatically decreased and I began experiencing body dysphoria much more frequently. I also became more uncomfortable and on edge whenever home.” ~ Anonymous
“I no longer felt safe in my apartment and experienced symptoms of PTSD as a result of my abusive roommate. I was scared even in my own bedroom and constantly hypervigilant.” ~ College Student
“I lost my sense of self-esteem and began to hate myself, feel ashamed, and feel like I deserved my roommate’s treatment. I also became incredibly anxious and stayed anxious even after the situation was over because so many things reminded me of it.” ~Anonymous
“The abuse made me feel guilty, as it was framed as my fault. I also felt lonely since we shared a group of friends. I finally felt threatened and unsafe by the reactions they would have when discussing conflicts.” ~ Graduate Student
“She made me feel like I had no control. I felt on edge, depressed, anxious, and angry.” ~ Anonymous
“It’s so bad that’s it’s to the point where I get nervous at the thought of going home.” ~ College Student
“I feel hopeless. She makes me feel unsafe.” ~ Anonymous
“I felt confused, anxious, and afraid. Even when I knew my roommate was lying, I was still second-guessing myself. Eventually every interaction would trigger my fight-or-flight response, so I was on edge constantly in my own home.” ~ Anonymous
“It made me so anxious I couldn’t sleep at night and my anxiety meds stopped helping.” ~ Freshman College Student
“I’ve never been good with conflict, but after life with my roommate I’ve become a lot more secluded and full of doubt. I second guess all of my life choices in order to try an avoid the abuse. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking when all I think about is how to appease this other person in order to keep myself safe. I’ve never felt at home and I find myself having panic attacks about going ‘home.’” ~ 30’s, Washington
“I felt pain on my stomach and anxiety attacks every time this person would be near me. I started having PTSD because I was physically and verbally abused by my mother when I was a child & a teenager. I remember they had the same evil facial expression when the abuse took place. I practice meditation and energy work to cope with this.” ~Anonymous
“It made me feel terrified in my own home.” ~ Anonymous
“Powerless and like it was my fault. Boundaries were broken gradually, and I put off moving out because by the time I realized, I thought I held equal blame. Also lonely. Angry. Scared.” ~ 19, Uni Student
“I was afraid to be in my own house, sneaking around and pretending I wasn’t home. It almost felt like a stealth horror video game. I was constantly afraid of what he would do to me or say about me to discredit me. I started to doubt my own reality and believe that I was secretly a bad person and that his behavior was my fault. To this day I’m still afraid to tell people what he did to me.” ~ College Sophomore
“I can’t focus, I am getting more and more panic attacks.” ~ Age 65
What would you like to share with others who have experienced roommate abuse/harassment?
“Just because there aren’t a ton of resources, you are not alone. I feel your pain. Roommate trauma is so valid and healing is possible as hard as it may seem.” ~ Anonymous
“That it is dangerous and can make living together very uncomfortable and unsafe. It can also take a variety of forms, including passive-aggressive behavior and manipulation.” ~ Anonymous
“It is sometimes hard to even realize you are in an abusive situation, since the very few conversations about abuse tend to focus on romantic partners or family members. At the beginning I would question myself and feel I was exaggerating the problem. What you are experiencing is real and valid and you deserve support. Trust your inner wisdom and keep fighting for your freedom.” ~ Graduate Student
“You are not alone!” ~ Anonymous
“Friends and family will be there to support you. Remember to keep breathing and take it one day at a time.” ~ College Student
“Some people may imply or state outright that you are overreacting. Surround yourself with people who believe you when you say you do not feel safe or at ease in your own home. You deserve to feel safe and at ease in your own home.” ~ Anonymous
“I think the most valuable thing is that you’re not crazy and it’s not all your fault. I spent a lot of time being convinced that I was both of those things; it destroyed my self esteem and made me scared to connect with new people. It took me a long time to realize that I was not at fault for the abuse and I did not deserve it. I had to actively remind myself of those things as I worked through recovery; which I couldn’t fully do until I left. But no, you’re not at fault and you did not deserve this treatment.” ~ 30’s, Washington
“Stay strong!” ~ Anonymous
“You’re better than the abuser. It’s not your fault.” ~ Anonymous
“You deserve to feel comfortable in your own home.” ~ 19, Uni Student
“Just because you are roommates doesn’t mean the abuse is any less serious.” ~ College Sophomore
“Don’t take it personally.” ~ Age 65
What do you wish people knew or better understood about roommate abuse/harassment?
“Abuse happens in many contexts besides just romantic relationships. Family, friends, and even roommates can be abusers. Even though it can feel scary to know that abuse occurs in various types of relationships, awareness of the issue can help survivors feel less alone. I am healing from my abusive roommate relationship and I am proud of how far I’ve come in my personal journey.” ~ College Student
“I wish there were more awareness overall. Abuse can happen in so many different relationships and roommate abuse gets very little attention.” ~ Anonymous
“I wish people knew that it is a thing. I feel it is really overlooked. As more of us share housing due to high prices, this might become even more common and we need to talk about it.” ~ Graduate Student
“Stop treating mistreatment from roommates as a right of passage. There is a spectrum of severity and roommate abuse can have serious effects. It’s not always just a funny college story at a dinner party.” ~ Anonymous
“There should be resources for us instead of just classifying domestic abuse as partner abuse.” ~ Anonymous
“People with severe history of committing abuse on others will reverse the role of victim and offender.” ~ Anonymous
“It’s very common and happens even among friends.” ~ College Student
“Roommate abuse can be just as damaging as abuse from a partner. In both cases there are many obstacles to escaping abuse, be they physical, emotional, financial, etc.” ~ Anonymous
“It can be small things that add up, and in the end it takes time to heal.” ~ Freshman College Student
“That it exists… Too often it feels like this kind of abuse isn’t a real thing so when it’s happening I struggled to cope with it or even see it for what it was until I started going to therapy. It needs to be talked about more.” ~30’s, Washington
“Things don’t always start out bad, which can make abusive behaviours really difficult to recognize and call out. It’s often just escalations of behaviours you once deemed annoying but acceptable. Living in close quarters can also make it hard to reach out to people once you recognize the problem. It’s incredibly isolating and stressful.” ~ 19, Uni Student
“Roommate abuse is a real thing, and not inherently any less severe and affecting than familial or romantic abuse.” ~ College Sophomore
“People need to stop assuming that living with men means ‘of course’ they’re going to get sexual harassment from them. It’s not inevitable, and the perpetrator is always the one to blame, never the victim. People also need to stop assuming women can’t be perpetrators either or do physical abuse (both cases happened to me, both equally terrifying and life destroying)” ~ College student, 20s, Female
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